Why this guide exists
Because the people who do it well have thought it through, and the ones who don't tend to end up in the hard stories. Straight talk is part of the service.
The risks
Emotional
- A partner who finds out may feel betrayed, and trust can take years to rebuild, or never come back.
- Your own guilt, stress and secrecy have a real cost.
- Feelings can develop that you hadn't planned for.
Relationship and family
- Separation or divorce.
- Impact on children, even when they aren't told.
- Damage to friendships and in-laws.
Financial and legal
This is not legal advice, and it varies by country.
- Divorce can involve splitting assets, and in some places conduct can affect the outcome.
- Money spent on the affair can come up in proceedings.
- Some countries and US states still have laws against adultery, and in some places it has civil or criminal consequences.
- Employment and reputation can be affected if it's work-related or becomes public.
Health
- STIs, and the risk of passing them to a partner at home (Guide 23).
Data and exposure
- Messages, payments and images can leak or be screenshotted.
- Blackmail and sextortion (Guide 24).
- Crypto is pseudonymous, not invisible.
Weighing it up
There's no scorecard. Ask yourself: If this came out tomorrow, what would I lose, and would I still choose it? Re-do the checklist in Guide 5 if you're unsure.
FAQs
Is having an affair illegal?
In most places, no. In some countries and US states it is, or has legal consequences, so check where you live.
What happens if you're caught?
It varies from an honest conversation to separation. You can't predict how someone will react.
Can you recover from being found out?
Some couples do, with honesty, time and often counselling.