The terms
Consensual non-monogamy (sometimes called ethical non-monogamy) is an umbrella term for relationships where the partners agree that one or both of them may have romantic or sexual relationships with other people. Open relationships, swinging and polyamory are common forms. The defining feature is that everyone involved knows and agrees.
Discreet dating describes keeping your dating life private: limiting who can see your profile, who knows you are meeting someone, and what personal details you share. It says nothing on its own about what your partner, if you have one, knows.
Infidelity or an affair usually means a relationship that goes against what a couple has agreed, often without the other partner knowing.
Privacy is different from a relationship agreement
The most useful distinction is this: a relationship agreement is between you and your partner, while privacy is between you and everyone else.
A couple in an open relationship may be completely honest with each other and still want discretion from their employer, their family or other parents at school. Someone having an affair may want privacy from their partner. Both might use the same privacy settings, but their situations are very different, both ethically and in the risks they carry.
Where the two overlap
Plenty of people in consensually non-monogamous relationships value discretion, because attitudes to non-monogamy vary and not everyone wants their personal life known. A site built for discretion can suit them as well as people whose partners do not know. What matters is being clear with the people you meet about which situation you are in.
Communication, boundaries and consent
Consensual non-monogamy depends on ongoing communication: agreeing rules, checking in regularly and renegotiating when something changes. Agreement given under pressure is not real consent, and an arrangement that one partner was pushed into is not consensual non-monogamy.
Whatever your situation, the same principles apply when you meet someone new:
- say honestly what your circumstances are
- agree what each of you wants and what is off limits
- respect a change of mind straight away
See how to talk about consent, limits and what you both want for practical ways to start.
Why the difference matters
Mixing up the two can cause real hurt. A person who believes they are joining an agreed arrangement may not want to be involved in a secret one. Being clear about which you are offering lets the other person make an informed choice.
If you are in a relationship and wondering whether opening it up could work, alternatives to an affair covers honest conversations, counselling and ethical non-monogamy in more detail. To understand how these terms relate to flings and casual relationships, read affair vs fling vs casual relationship.